Here’s a few rules to live by as we flood into shopping centers this holiday season.
    1. Thou shall have no other iPads before me: You’ve got the iPod, you’ve got the iPhone, enough! Some of us are still getting up to speed in the iWorld. So rid yourself of the need to get this quasi-computer this Christmas.
    2. Thou shall not have any idols: Giving your spouse a gift that they won’t like so you can have it is ingenious but decietful. Put the 8-foot Dale Earnhardt Jr. cutout on your own Christmas list.
    3. Thou shall not take the name of Wal-Mart in vain: Oh, yes, you curse it the rest of the year. But while you’re standing in line for your half-price Snuggie, don’t besmirch the name of Sam Walton, our founder, who art in discount heaven.
    4. Remember the Santa by keeping him holy: Let’s remember Santa is a human being, albeit an imposter, and deserves respect. If you know your baby will cry when they see Santa, please spare his ears. And empty the bladders prior of children who are scared of fat, bearded men.
    5. Honor thine Abercrombie and Fitch: Respect the integrity of your teenager and what little social stature they have and do not enter this store. It’s not for you no matter how big the mid-life crisis may be. Any store with half-naked mannequins and Katy Perry blaring is not for you. Give your children the credit card and maintain some self-respect.
    6. Thou shall not murder my holiday spirit: No moregrousing about long lines and far-away parking spots. You knew the deal getting into this whole Christmas shopping experience. Suck it up.
    7. Thou shall not commit adultery. While the mannequins at Victoria’s Secret are quite attractive, they are not to be ogled. Please avert your eyes.
    8. Thou shall not steal my parking spot. While the sixth commandment encourages us not to fear parking in the boonies, we followed this old couple for more than 20 minutes as they attempted to get in multiple cars that weren’t theirs. This is our spot.
    9. Thou shall not bear false witness against your neighbor’s fruitcake: Yes, we know that fruitcakes are horrible. But your neighbor, perhaps in some eggnog-induced coma, thought this would be a good gift for you. You should respect your judgement and throw it away as soon as they leave or hide it in their car.
    10. Thou shall not covet your neighbor’s food court table. Lurking over me while I finish my gyro is not only annyoing but its a health hazard should your nose drip. Also, no more asking if we’re going to use all of our chairs. Of course we are. Where else will I place my drink? Please move to a clandestine area and wait for us to finish our meal.
    Happy shopping.