I don’t have to tell you that the health care reform debate raging across this country is a heated, polarizing debate.

    But I will tell you anyway because that’s what I get paid to do – turn innocuous drivel into pseudo facts such as “Fonzi unlikely to have survived shark jump” or “Children without parents 10 times more likely to be orphans.”

    I have no answers for you as to why the health care debate has driven a delineating stake into our country. My job is to provide just enough supposition and quotes from politicians with name suffixes like Mutter and Itter to drive you into a frenzy that makes you write an letter to your local representative to decry the use of ibuprofen as a placebo for Viagra. (It doesn’t work. It will, however, cure your wife’s headache.)

    I find the health care debate saddening. The talk about death panels, single-payer options and finder fees for staplers lost after surgeries are all lost on me. It’s indicative of the loss of ingenuity among the people and leaders of our country, the stench of mediocrity that has wafted over us like a gentle Greeley summer breeze.

    I’ve given up on other things: Israeli/Palestinian peace, flying cars and man walking on the moon. (Wait, we did? ‘69? No kidding?)

    But weren’t we supposed to live forever? I thought immortality was the whole point of cancer-research facilities, maximum-security prisons and health regulations on roadside Matzo Ball stands.

    Nobody’s talking about living forever anymore. All we want to talk about is affordable prescriptions for old people, punishing doctors who lop off ears during routine colonoscopies and pre-existing conditions.

    Pre-existing conditions? We’re all going to die. (Not you, Tony Randall. Wait, he did? ‘04? No kidding?)

    We’re setting our sights too low. Enough about creating affordable health care, let’s start talking about what we need to do to eliminate health care. The procurement of an antidote for death for example, would dramatically lower the cost of health care in this country. Yes, we would still be prone to everyday maladies like the common cold, virulent toe cancer and hoof and mouth disease.

    But we must remember most of us are prompted to seek medical attention for these conditions (good luck explaining how you got the last one to a non-veterinarian) out of fear that the condition could worsen and lead to – wait for it – death.

    No death? The need for health care almost completely evaporates. We could just cough our way through a nasty bout of pneumonia.

    And the mental health benefits? No more crying about Grandma. She’s right here at 205 and still playing pool at the senior center every Thursday.

    We could market our death antidote to other countries (and Nebraska) in exchange for cheap oil and those really good German chocolates with the liquor in them. We run the risk of it falling into the wrong hands. But doesn’t Islamic radicals yelling “Life to the infidels!” have a more reassuring ring to it?

    I now know why so many of us feel Washington, D.C., is missing the boat. Time to stop the inane quibbling, congressmen.

    Give us life.